The Day After

My weekend began with Yegs other mom coming to see his new house. She brought a friend with her who had a little dog who happens to share the name of my daughter. I watched everyone, including Y, tip toe around saying this dogs name. After them being there for over an hour, he looked at me and said, "did you hear what her name is?" with a look of sorrow on his face. They don't dare to say her name anymore.

Easter came and went. Her basket stayed in the closet. I didn't send her a dress. I looked at them. I wondered what she'd wear to church yesterday morning. I cried when I thought about getting our pictures taken last Easter and how she adored her pink checkered dress and glitter shoes. Why didn't I send anything?

Am I throwing a silent tantrum? Who is being punished other than a beautiful little girl with only one new dress instead of two? It's not like she knows where these packages come from. But that's actually okay with me. Just knowing she has what I send is enough.

When I was traveling to Texas every other weekend to be with her, she'd show up wearing some pretty thing I sent or reading a new book that came to her before I got there - every time I'd say, "do you know where you got that?" and she'd say, "my mommy". In those times I would say, "actually I/this mommy sent that to you" or "grandma sent that for you" but now it's enough to know that things I've held are holding her. I don't care whether she knows they're from me or not. I just purchased a gift cert for a local movie theater to be sure they see an upcoming show I know she'll love. I'm certain they'd see it anyway but knowing I'll have a little piece of it feels good.

Another tantrum I had was whether or not to continue paying monthly child support. I've been paying it for years so the money part is just natural. She's always taken it (& still does - even after the ruling) so I'm not worried that she won't accept it. The question was to keep sending the money monthly or just put that money into a 529 plan for college. My partner and I discussed it and, of course, she left it up to me. So far, I've continued to send the child support. I know her mother, in all her need to exclude me, really needs the financial help. That's something she's never refused. & I guess knowing that I'm helping in that way, feels better than just piling money away that isn't helping in the moment. God I hate this.

People keep saying I should do whatever makes me feel good. Some people try to remove themselves, others try to stay connected. Well, nothing feels good. It all just sucks. When I think about her in the present, it's all just wonder. I wonder what she'd doing. I wonder what she had for lunch. I wonder if she's going on vacation. These are things you should naturally know about your child. Does she have a scrape on her knee? Does she wear a size 11 shoe? Can she write her whole name yet? The only time I feel "good" is when I'm reliving a memory - when I'm with her and when I know what's happening with her - when I'm contributing to her happiness. It's been over three months. How do I do this?

I think I'll send a dress for spring and stop throwing tantrums.