Monday, April 2, 2007

TTC but she won't disappear

It's been a heavy day. My first phone call was NCLR telling me of another mother who lost her case and would be joining this ever growing number of us who continue to find ways to breathe. I obsess about what to say and how to comfort her tonight, knowing it's impossible. Not today, not tomorrow.

I wanted to comment about TTC too. So many of you are in that same river with me and if you've also lost a child, it's a whole other emotional unrest. We are planning for this month to be the beginning of the transfer. More drugs, more anxiety but finally, it's time! We have four fertilized eggs just waiting to be warmed up. They waiting for me! I'm the one stalling. Part of me wonders if the stress of the case would've just ruined any chance of me holding onto them anyway. The Universe has it's way of working things out.

I gave tours of our house all weekend. Most of our friends hadn't seen it yet so this seemed to be the weekend to come by. Every time I show someone the nursery, they make this sound that's sort of 1/2 moan, 1/2 "what do i say"? It has some things from my daughter's old room and, while that actually makes things easier for me, I think most people think I'm still waiting for her to be there. I assure you, like a big bucket of rocks hitting me one by one, her childhood will not have memories in that room. I tell them it's the nursery but still, they know she's missing and I wonder if they think I'm replacing her. Or maybe I just think that's how it will feel. Or maybe it just does feel like that some days. I get so in my head that I easily talk myself in and out of things that should just be.

She is my daughter. Always and forever.
I am not replacing her and I will never forget her
When we conceive, she will not disappear.

Another waiting mom wrote a beautiful email to me the other day and even though I didn't ask permission, I want to share part of it with all of you and ask that you send her positive thoughts and pray for the woman from this morning.

"Today, I step closer to hope and grab it and this evening when I am alone with my thoughts, when there is no television, or birds singing outside my window, when the wind is the only thing I hear besides my own thoughts, he comes to me. I see him at the bottom of the staircase calling for me....."Eah, Honey"".....I hear his voice as he sings songs he has written on his piano about his cat and his dog......I feel his warm cheeks and smell the freshness in his hair as I hold him in my arms and say those words that we all say over and over again in our heads and aloud....with both tears and with great joy.....I LOVE YOU.