Reach for what we were...before we were.

I have been in deep thought about many things lately. The activist in me is rising by the hour. The mother in me has been aching with pain and excitement all at the same time. The friend in me has been frustrated. And the spiritual part of me has been holding on for dear life. Let's start with the first.

My job is full of opportunity to make things better for people. I love every minute of it and honestly, it feels like a blessing every single day. I have wanted to start a foundation that can fund parents, like me, in fighting for their kids. There's nothing like it out there. There are many, Many groups to fund the opposing side but nothing set to give real money to people who aren't Christians or no longer gay, etc. These people need to pay their attorneys or they can't fight. The idea of losing your child (or worse, your child losing you) simply because you can't afford to fight is appalling to me. I was lucky. I had equity in a house. I had room to apply for way too many credit cards. I had amazing friends and family and most of all, incredible attorneys. But some people simply can't fight because they can't even come up with a retainer fee. We have to change this. Stay tuned.

We've already been talking a bit about the struggle around TTC without letting go. I imagine this will be an inner battle but it's one I'm willing to deal with. I'm thrilled to death to finish IVF. The thought of it really happening brings me such intense joy. I just want it to be a separate experience and so far, I keep blending them. Stay tuned.

Some of my friendships, of late, have been evolving. I know this happens with everyone and I'm trying not to panic. But also, I want to make sure I'm not just purging people who really belong. I hate to sound like my friends are disposable. I don't mean that at all. There are just a couple that have become very distant and letting that happen is hard. The control freak in me wants to round everyone up and make everyone be friends so we can all be together and happy and healthy. It's not going to happen though. Too much baggage. What do you do with that? When your friends don't get along with each other, what are the options? Do you really have separate dinner parties for the rest of your life? Stay tuned.

I am a strong believer that anything is possible. I also believe that it's not up to me. And even though I can hope, believe and trust in something, it is not guaranteed. I believe that the basics of my life were destined and I get to fill in all the blanks with surprises and mistakes, love and regret. Part of my struggle is knowing that I am Gracie's mother. I know, more than any other thing, that she was given to me. And if you believe that there is a higher hand in all things, how did it go so wrong? And who do I blame? I realize having faith is another phrase for 'bring on the rain' but come on!

...stay tuned.