Monday, April 23, 2007

Mondays are so...

I've tried not to complain for a few days but forget it - today I will complain.

To catch up, the road to being pregnant for me, has never been easy. When my daughter turned one, I began the first of 16 AI tries. & failed. Now, three years later, I/we/the specialist have jumped right into IVF and due to funds, this will probably be our only try. (probably) We managed to get four good eggs and turn them into four beautiful embryos but then OHS set it so we had to do the deep freeze and put it off. Now, months later, it's time to get back into the swing of belly shots and over the top meds.

Because of this (& because of last night's ice-cream) I'm HUGE! I'm back on birth control (again) before I begin Lupron shots (again) and I'm telling you, I feel like I've grown 5 sizes since Friday.

I spent the weekend in C's clothes. I must first say that her clothes are adorable (on her) and that I don't mean to say that she's huge because she's absolutely not - just a bit bigger than me and that's just the way I like her. My ring is tight when it's typically too big. My cute bra's are not so cute once my boobs get in them and I had to take a break walking up the stairs today.

Enough? I don't think so.

Every time I seem a bit leery of trying and failing, someone says, "don't think like that. don't talk like that. it's going to happen this time." Please people (that don't read this), I know what optimism is. Really. I wouldn't be going through this and putting everyone else through this if I didn't have hope it will work this time. But let me drown in doubt every now and again. Let me have fear. Allow me to beg to be coddled and whine as I wish. I'm not cursing myself. I'm not allowing the universe to make me barren. I'm just voicing my feelings around the process. When I say, "I hope" - it doesn't mean "I doubt it".

And if I don't want to go to a baby shower because I don't want to see another twenty year old who accidentally got pregnant suffer through her poor body image and ever changing social life - then that should also be just fine.

And no, I'm not hormonal.

Wait, I am. And that's okay too.