My Childhood American Idol

Turns out Tammy Faye is pretty sick. You all know her, right? She's the woman who was married to Jim Baker and 1/2 of the duo from the PTL Club. Well, she is much more than that to me.

A little history:

When I was a child, I had a crush on Jesus. You're all laughing. I can hear it from here. :) Not in the Evangelical way but really. I wasn't raised in any sort of religion. I saw pictures of Jesus at the homes of friends but that's it. I thought he was so handsome and I would tell my grandmother that I wanted to marry him. This, of course, was the mormon Jesus who looks nothing like the Jesus I imagine now. Blond hair, blue eyes. Whatever. The point is that I had some odd connection to what I knew of him.

At a young age I began to watch the PTL Club on television. I was embarrassed if anyone commented on it because I knew it was odd. I thought my parents would be angry if I sent them my allowance so I stole stamps from my moms purse and did it in secret. I remember, specifically, sending them $9.63. Pennies and all. & I knew I'd be blessed - as would all the little hungry babies they kept showing me. Most of all, I wanted Tammy Faye to know that she made a difference to me. And that I loved her. I loved how she would cry when she'd pray and all that mascara would float down her face. When she'd raise her hands and sing I would have to purposely keep my hands at my side because my mimicking little paws would rise up just like hers - I felt her that much.

People caught on to me and I let peer pressure divide me from sweet Tammy Faye. I stopped watching just before the big scandal that ended her career with Jesus and sent her very odd husband to jail. But I've missed her over the years and I credit her for explaining what that "initial crush" was all those years ago. I was just craving a relationship with God - handsome or not - blond hair or not. And her big eyelashes and shaking voice felt to me like she knew him personally and all I had to do was spend a few minutes in the morning with her and she'd tell him all he needed to know about me. I didn't realize then, that he already knew how many hairs were on my head.

Anyway, she's now a fragile little woman - only 65 pounds. And she's taught this world to be gracious and kind to all people - even little girls like me.

Bless her.

Hello? Is There Anybody in There?

Things are moving along. The days are passing a little slowly but I don't expect any differently. I've been through these two week waits before, ya know. In fact, I've been though sixteen of them. Sixteen tried and sixteen failed. I hope and pray this one will be different.

I'm having some ovary pain but I think that's pretty normal. I'm still taking Estris 2x per day and my progesterone shot every night. I am one big bruise! I'm one of those demanding women who speak with their hands on their hips when they're trying to look taller. Not any more. It hurts to even touch my hips. My muscle is bruised, my skin is bruised...I'm certain that even the thought of my hips is bruised.

But enough complaining.

I read a post a bit ago from Pissed Off Housewife. If you haven't read her yet, please do. Hilarious and real. But this post, specifically, is about appreciating what you have - who you have. I think if you asked Cristy if I appreciate her she'd say yes. But does she know it every day? Does she know how proud I am to hold her hand and be knotted with her in conversations like, "i wonder what "they" are doing?" I admit I adore her. I love the way she keeps curls in the back of her hair for me to run my fingers through while she's driving. I love the way she brings me coffee every morning and asks me if I got "lip stuff" every night. I love that girl. & not because she might read this. But because she's more human than anyone I've ever met. & I feel lucky that she picked me and convinced me to walk this walk with her.

There are relationships around us failing. Some already too late. We've been there. Who hasn't? But for us, it reminds us to hold on to eachother because everyone - anyone - can forget just why it was they found eachother.

She's back...

Wow. What an experience! I have been sitting here thinking (for four days) just how incredible the process through IVF has been. And then FET on top of that and just the fact that there's any percentage that it might work - I'm just stunned.

I have to say that the procedure of putting the embies in was nothing compared to getting them in the first place. Unfortunately we used what we had so if by chance we need to try again - it's from the beginning. Cute story tho: when signing permission to use my eggs, the hospital also made Cristy sign away rights to use the embryos. I thought it was very considerate. I love that her name is on that document.

The four days have been nothing to talk about. I laid down for way too long and by the time Saturday evening came, I was going out of my mind. Lucky for me, my best girls came over and catered to my every need. Cristy went to a wedding (btw, beeeutiful!) so we had some good girl talk and then ate hateful food and played games when she got home. She took very good care of me but I don't do very well being down when I'm feeling fine. I'm sure I gave her some good heaven points just for sticking it out.

Now we're in the TWW. We have a beta test on June 8th ish so I'll be sure to keep you updated. The only thing I'm feeling is pain from giant ovaries but that's nothing new for me. We'll see how the imaginative symptoms starts creeping in over the next week.

What a perfect weekend here in Salt Lake City! Seriously!
Big Love!

Guest Blog IVF Update

Hi all of you in Blogland. I wanted to give you an update on my beautiful girl. Today we went in to have two babies put in Keri and all are doing well. I am attaching a picture with our two little ones. One has two cells and the solid looking embryo has 4 and is already compacting. Dr. says that's a good thing. Who knew?

Thanks for all your support and well wishes.

Cristy

Happily Ever After

Tomorrow, May 26th, our dear friends will be married. They will have a beautiful wedding on a beautiful hill and they'll show God & their world the commitment they've made.

Because I'll be on bed rest I won't be there - so I wanted to use this space to tell them, and all of you, how happy I am that they found each other. In a world of so many people, it is miracle making to find that person that matches you more than any other. & in that same world with so much chaos and unrest, it's even more of a miracle to hold on to each other with promises of a lifetime. But they did it. I believe it with all of my heart - they are split aparts!

Missy & Lauren,

I wish you happiness and peace. Love and laughter. I wish you long walks and longer kisses. Big dreams and little paw prints. I wish you green pastures and baked cakes. I wish you many years of champagne toasts or is it Vodka and lemonade? even Vodka and Blueberry lemonade.

I love you both - big!

Keri

One Day More - Another Day, Another Destiny

I have been thinking about Gracie so much lately. I mean, she never really leaves my thoughts but this week has been hard. I think having the ultrasound, seeing where my baby will be, reminded me of when I first saw her and just that overwhelming feeling of love for her and her being safe there to grow and become this amazing addition to my life. I have dreamed about it every night since - watching her on that screen - knowing she's safe there.

One of my friends, who's also waiting for her daughter, wrote a post about her TTC and the experience with a new child being the same but different. We all have fear that we'll somehow replace what we lost or that we'll never have security with our children. But she's right, they will love and care for their new baby as much as Maddie, it'll just be a new experience of the same love. Same, but different. I needed to be reminded of that as I begin this next wait.

Tomorrow's the big day. I believe we started this process on December 12th of last year. That means it took just over five months to get where we were supposed to in 1. Funny. My life kind of works that way, in general.

I had my second shot of progesterone last night. I have to continue it through the pregnancy test and then, hopefully, the following six weeks. It hurts. Bad. I'm typically very strong willed but I think I've cried both times and that just makes it so much harder for Cristy. She cries right along with me though. We're a team like that. :) Seriously though, I don't know how some of you have gone through this as many times as you have. I think about doing it again and I just quiver. You are brave and I admire you.

We'll hear the health of the embryos today and I'm just praying that they make it through the thaw. I need all four! My doctor needs as many to choose from as possible. How odd - "to choose from". The whole process feels so mechanical.

After tomorrow, I won't be able to post here for a few days. My bed rest will take place on the upper level of my house and, unfortunately (or fortunately), there is no computer in my bed. boo. But I'm hoping I find you all well when I get back on Tuesday. Feel free to call or stop by. You know where I'll be. :)

A nosy neighbor? I think not!

Cristy will hate this post.
Honey, please go away. Do not read any further.

So I met another neighbor the other night. His name is Ezra. This is also the name of a m*rmon prophet. What is with the prophet ties on my street? It’s beginning to freak me out a little.

Anyway, he was really nice. A bit of a love bird, really. He spoke softly and remained within my comfort zone until I stood inside the fence. But there’s something odd about him. There is also a child there. A boy – probably 15. He’s quiet and seems like a loner for the most part. The other neighbors have said things like, “they’re very mormon” “he’s kind of weird”. But we acknowledge him when we see him and he sort of lifts his head and mumbles hello.

So the other day…Friday…I went outside to get Molly and I couldn't find her. She’s hiding under a table and she’s scared to death. I can see that the neighbor boy has a friend over in his backyard. We can see their yard from the back part of ours so I walk over. It’s a stranger with some kind of pop gun. It’s supposed to look real but even I can tell it’s not. (later I found out it shoots pellets) I begin to ask what he’s doing (which is none of my business) and to ask if he did anything to scare or hurt my dog. (which IS my business) Just as the last word leaves my mouth, a real zombie sits straight up out of a grave…no wait, a grass person sits up from hiding in the grass and scares the living hell out of me! It’s the boy! The one that lives there! He’s dressed in some coat with long grass pieces all over it like he was hiding out during a jungle war. See? Odd. & his friend is target shooting the air and they’re about to be the next crazy shooters on the news!

I know I’m probably over reacting. I get it. But doesn’t it sound a bit strange? It’s not like they’re eight year olds playing cowboys – they’re almost driving age and they’re playing war. I think it’s scary.

Cristy thinks it’s scary that I even thought about it again after I first walked away from the rising zombie. But she has “ex” baggage around nosy neighbors. I am NOT a nosy neighbor. There isn’t another example I can give you where I’ve spied or obsessed. Just this.

& I’m right to be concerned.
r.i.g.h.t?

We have a Date!

We went in for our ultrasound this morning and everything looked great! My very thick uterus has racing stripes! (no clue) Three of them! So...we're ON!

Friday is the day we'll put the babies back in. If we're lucky enough to have three good embryos after the thaw, we'll put in all three. Otherwise, we'll take what we can get. That means, my meds change again starting today. Progesterone shots - the big, awful, long, thick needles - every night! Send Cristy strength. She's not very good at causing me pain. :)

I'm so excited and scared and nervous! I imagine myself being 'oh so careful' with every little step and then clumsily finding myself falling off the bed or down the stairs.

What do you know about this? Is there anyone who can tell me their experience? Do I need to stay down four whole days? Where you ridiculously manic? Even if I can be half normal, Cristy surely can't. But this is a battle I'm willing to lose. Let her dote on me and the babies we're trying to safely create. I can deal with that for a few ... weeks? :)

Any advice?

Post Weekend.

I'm on the mend. Life is too short to hold onto what hurts you. So many things don't give you that choice but, for me...today, I choose to let this "ex"perience go. :)

Have I told you all how wonderful you are? I read your comments/emails and hear your voice mails and I'm just reminded how lucky I am to have found you. Whether we met through NCLR, blogland or if I've known you forever - I am lucky and I feel it today.

Our weekend came and went quickly, as always. Yeager and I went to see Shr*k 3 Friday afternoon. Cute. Then my sweet girl and sweet brother spent all day Saturday moving her old house into our new one. What a mess. Didn't we already unpack? Think again! Another twenty boxes of childhood memories. Good God! I've never met a girl who has a huge box of old trophy's next to a collection of crystal bells (from mom). That's a soft butch for you!

Cristy had a softball game on Sunday and I was a really nice break away from "things to do". She plays on a gay league and it's so fun to watch! Aside from how cute she is in those shorts, she's also really good! & I get to sit in the stands and talk to my friends and family and cheer for her! Is there anything better?

Tomorrow is my ultrasound. We find out how well I've prepared my womb for two little embryos. Let me tell you, I've been trying with all my might! I am full to the top with meds and needles and hormones. I have more belly fat that I ever imagined possible! (i know, gross!) I keep telling Cristy I have a fat uterus - only to be reminded that it's "thick", not fat. (thank you, honey) Really though, I Am Ready!

Wish me luck!

Seven Year Old Lesson

I picked up Yegs from school yesterday. He was crying. Someone had said something bad about him that hurt his feelings. It wasn't true. But some of the kids believed it and that left him terribly upset. We spent hours talking about this. Hours. He couldn't understand why this girl had said what she did and all we could say to him was - sometimes you just can't understand why people do the things they do.

As we were driving, I decided to take my own advice.

First, I forget there are a few Utah readers now and that some of you may know the person I've been speaking out. That bothers me to some extent because my intent is not to talk badly about her - just to vent and try to gain understanding that some of you might be able to share.

Secondly, the point is I'm never going to understand why she did what she did. It doesn't matter why she named the dog the name she chose. Whether she did it to personally hurt me or if she just didn't think about it - it hurts me the same. I'm not going to understand it. And she doesn't owe it to me to give me a reason.

Lastly, I have to know this person my whole life. She is the other mother of my stepson. She is 2nd in the long line of mothers to him. & she's a great mom. That's what should matter most. Always. Her obligation is to him, not me.

I'm finished talking about this. My hope is that it will just go away.
Thanks for all your thoughts - reminding me that I'm not totally crazy. :)

Still a Wreck . Part II

I have been overdosing on self loathing lately. I can think of a thousand things that are not the way they should be. I can cry 42 minutes out of every hour, if I want to. It's a talent I never dreamed to have. & I'm not sure if I'm just over medicated or if I'm really justified in my grief/fear/sadness. I feel foolish.

Let's talk, for a minute, about exes. I don't think mine needs any introduction and I'm sure she'd say the same for me. But what if weird sort of things started happening with an ex of your partner? What if their ex started calling them "honey" or "baby" and it just happened to be at a time when her relationship was ending? What if she started giving your partner pictures of her child (not your partners) for Mother's Day? What if she just became way more friendly than usual, with both of you, then all of a sudden you find out that she Named Her New Dog THE SAME NAME AS THE DAUGHTER you just LOST? Seriously, I'd like any answers you might have. Any. Because after the last example of odd behavior, I'm finding it all inexcusable!

As many of you know, there is a lot of past pain between us. But is that enough? As a human being, could you really ever do such an awful thing to someone? The excuse is that she "likes the name". Who doesn't? It's a beautiful name that was given to most precious thing in my life. It's a name that brings me from joy to tears in 1.5 seconds. It's the name of a daughter I lost and will not see again for many, many years. Is it enough to simply like the name?

When the dog was introduced to me, it stung. My stepson gently said, "do you know what her name is?" And I said yes. I figured it had been her name for a long time. I figured the name existed before the new girlfriend came along. I told him it was okay. Lots of things have the name Gracie - babies, dogs, cats, grandma's. But to find out that she actually gave her that name - on purpose, very recently - hurts me in a way that I can't describe.

***

I went to the grocery store last night and for the first time in a very long time, I looked for her. Before she moved away, I did that everywhere. The park, the grocery, the mall, the streets. Having her away felt safe in that I wouldn't have to be ripped away from her - but having her close feels comforting; knowing she's close enough to play in my parks, shop at my grocery & malls and walk down my streets. We are breathing the same air and that's as close to cradling her as I'm going to get for a while.

I'm a Wreck!

Phone call 9am.
She's back. They're back.
They spoke at their church on Sunday.

My daughter is in this city.

Truthfully, I've wished it. Be careful what you wish for. I've prayed that they would come back here because now I have no way of knowing they're okay. Here, they have family that will make sure they're cared for.

I have such mixed feelings around it. Part of me is scared to death of being obsessive and wanting to see her every minute. Was it easier for me knowing I wouldn't run into her? If I did, and she was whisked away, how would I react? The other part of me is relieved, knowing that they'll be safe here and if the mother of her has any health problems, (which she does) Gracie won't end up with strangers or alone or scared. They have people here who know and love them.

But I know and love them too. Which makes me wish over and over that there could be some small little chance that she'll be home sooner than I thought. I realize it's a long shot but I'll never stop wishing it.

Why would I? Seems like some wishes come true.

I Pledge...

Today is "don't buy any gas" day. Have any of you received 500 emails telling you this? I've committed to not buy gas today but that's pretty easy for me. You see, I haven't bought gas in many, many years. Technically, I've paid for it but I haven't participated in the transfer of gas to car for a very long time.

I abhor it. It's dirty. It smells. And there are always people who look like they want to kidnap me just standing around, hoping they can catch me off guard. It's dangerous to the common girl. In Texas, it's illegal to talk on your cell phone during gasoline transfer because you might explode or com bust or some equally awful word. & that doesn't include how hard it is to watch that needle go down and sort of guess when it's going to run out. Who has time to watch a needle?

Anyway, I am doing my part. I am supporting whatever boycott my human community has asked. I will not buy gasoline today. I will not travel to gasoline stations today or any day. I will not participate in a gasoline transfer today or any day.

I will not.
Amen.

Mother's Day Memories

While today was hard, I did my best to appreciate the love in my life. Cristy and I woke up and headed north to our favorite coffee vendor. We had a quiet breakfast and avoided any kind of Mother's Day fest our families were having. It was just what I needed and I'm grateful that she gave up her day to be with me in a different place.

I got home this afternoon and read some of your comments. I thought about so many of you today. Leah, thanks for commenting here. I am happy to hear from you as always, but especially today. I hope you found yourself surrounded by love and friendship today. All of you. All of us.

***

My best Mother's Day ever went a bit like this:

It was two years ago and Gracie and I celebrated at our house with friends and family. Cristy had bought a gift for her to give to me for Mother's Day.

Me: Gracie! This is such a pretty box! What in the world could it be?

Gray: I don't know ?? (Very Puzzled) Open it, open it! (Very Demanding!)

I opened a beautiful little ring with little diamonds - her Favorite. I looked at her and gave her a big love with a big thank you. In return...

Gray: Wow diamonds - Happy BIRTHDAY, Mommy!

Mother's Day, Birthday, etc...does it really matter if there are diamonds involved? :)

This Is For You, the Mother

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up expelled bologna and cherry-Kool Aid saying, "it's alright baby, Mommy's here."

This is for you who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who travel with sippy cups and diapers in their purses.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for mothers of lost children, of stolen children; mothers who mother only in their hearts.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes. And for the mothers who lost their baby during pregnancy and will never get to watch them grow on earth but will know them in an instant when the time comes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator.

And for all the mothers who freeze on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the car, so that when their kids ask, "Did you see me, Mom?" they can say, "Of course. I wouldn't have missed it for the world."

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids at the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream in public. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, realizing how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand) mothers who wanted to but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry so their children can eat. And who wear old jeans so their children can dance in new tap shoes. For all the mothers who read "Goodnight Moon" twice a night for a whole year and then read it again "just, please, one more time".

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons how to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for all the mothers whose children have gone astray and can't find the words to reach them.

This is for all the step-mothers raising another woman's child who give their time, attention and love...sometimes totally unappreciated.

This is for the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful and now pray they come home safely from a very wrong war.

What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? The ability to nurse a full year, cook a perfect dinner or sew a button? Or is it in her heart? Is it the pride you feel when you watch your child take their first step or the ache you feel the first time they say "i'll do it by myself, mom". Is it the jolt that takes you from sleep to dread with a fearful cry or from bed to crib at 2am just to put your hand on the back of a baby just needing Your touch?

It is all these things and a thousand more.

I know for some of you, this weekend will be painful. I wish you peace and hope. We are mothers. Whether we're mothers of children we have or mother's of children we're waiting for. We are mothers.

Gina, Leah, Janet, Denise, Emily, Jodi, Tammy & all of you...Happy Mothers Day.

Ask Questions and Demand Answers

I've been wanting to talk about this for a while but I've backed off in fear of igniting old wounds that I'm in no place to deal with. But today, it's not about me or the mother of her. It's about integrity and unity and community and I am angry.

Incase you hadn't heard, I am a lesbian. It's one of many ways to describe me but it's one of the bigger parts. It's added to other parts like: woman, feminist, lgbt advocate and activist and those are things that guide my soul and direct my life. No matter what I think of someone personally, the "whole" of the situation and the impact to my community matters very much.

So basically, I don't care if you want to leave your partner. I hate to see relationships fail just as much as the next person but it's not my business. Just don't expect my support when you abandon your child and refuse to keep promises you made to them. And if your partner left you for another man/woman, I'm sorry but I will never support you using that reason to take away another persons child. And I don't care if you have conviction to support current law as is, if it has negative effect on our children or our families, you don't deserve support or clout from this community.

If you know of a business or business owner who is hurting our families, don't spend your money there. Don't groom your dog there and don't donate money to organizations that allow this kind of behavoir. If you have friends who are considering taking away their partners child, demand differently. Demand that they explain their behavoir and if it's not good enough, please don't support it. Their are too many of us walking around this community after leaving our children or taking away our children or defending that behavoir in a court of law - it's disgusting and until we say it's not allowed, they'll still be there.

Cry me a River!

Again, what is my matter? I am crying about every eight seconds!

Deal or No Deal - Cry. (the poor guy Did lose worse than anyone in history!)
The Bachelor - Cry, cry, Cry! (I'm embarrassed to even admit that I watch this garbage)
The News, the yard show and every other damn thing on tv - I CRY!

Your solution? "Don't watch tv!"

Typically I would agree with you but it's the only thing I have enough energy to do! & now I have such a headache that all I want to do is go to bed and cry.

Pa - thetic!

Tell me it will end. Tell me that I'm just full of meds and that all my boobing will stop in the next couple of weeks. Or atleast then, they'll be tears of JOY!

An Evening Exchange

me: I wonder what would happen if I "accidentally" slipped and plunged my needle into your belly...

Cristy: I would probably grow a pink bow on my head.

She said this when I was telling the story of her offering to carry a child for us - knowing how hard it would be for me to get pregnant. I knew instantly I would love her forever. If you knew her, the idea of her being pregnant is pretty crazy. In fact, she'd have to go the whole 9 months in hiding - hiding from herself.

It's all about hormones.

The scheduled transfer is just three weeks and one day away. May 29th is supposed to be my first day pregnant. Whew. Finally, we're counting down.

We had some friends over last night and we spoke about IVF and TTC in lengths. It was actually very amusing to watch their faces in awe about what it takes sometimes. I fell into the swing of it and probably offered far too much information but it was so fun watching them squirm! :) (love you both!) It's been a while since I've thought of all the details and it made it all feel very near and exciting. I know what the chances are...really I do. But I also know this is probably our best shot at it and probably our last shot for me to carry a baby. I'll do my best.

My turn to answer questions...

Okay, I'm just going to dive right in to some questions from http://itstakingavillage.blogspot.com/
btw, send positive thoughts for their tww.

1. What do you love about Utah? Why?

I love a thousand things about Utah but mostly I love that my family is here. & when I say "family", I mean every last relative that I have lives within about 10 miles from me. (and we love it!) I only have one living sibling and two cousins so, while it's not a large family, we are all very close. I was born in CA and I've often wondered what would've been different if we had never moved back here. I'm certain I'd have a star on a sidewalk by now but living here was worth the sacrifice. :)

We also have stunning scenery. We have very distinct seasons - all four of them - and each are breathtaking. There is reason to be outdoors year around but spring - right this minute - is my favorite.

Also, our LGBT community is very large for the size of our city and is very active and organized. I have a passion for grassroots politics and we're never left without reason to fight, as you can imagine.

2. Do you have plans to start the foundation you once referenced in your blog? If so, how? If not, why not?

I do have plans - many of them. The first thing I'd like to do is create a referral packet. It sounds simple but when I first began this life, there was only one other lesbian we knew of who had gone through something similar and I had no way to get a hold of her or hear her story. (she's still fighting and winning - xo VT) Now there are so many of us willing to share our knowledge and experience in hopes of finding easier ways to fight and, obviously, in hopes of change and happy endings. We are working on a referral system for attorneys, mediators, counselors and then, of course, we'll get into finding funding. I have heard far too many times from mother's who lost their children because they couldn't pay a retainer fee. It's disgusting.

Also, on the pro-active front, we'll have other information available on how to protect your family before something goes wrong. Pre-marital/pre-child counseling. We'll have specific training for therapists to ask the questions we don't want to ask each other. Who talks about breaking up when they're madly in love? We'll have a checklist of documents - a to-do list! So many people try to take care of that after they break up and it ends up being too late.

It's been a bit harder getting all this going since the ruling. I have to say that I removed myself for a while but there are others willing to help. In fact, we have referrals building as we speak! But I'm very passionate about it. If nothing else, imagine Gracie knowing that other children were saved from such disaster because of what she was made to go through. It's a partial band aid for me, at least.

3. If you could jet away to anywhere in the world with Cristy, where would you go? Why?

Wow. There are just so many places I would love to go with her. I suppose Italy would be my first choice. We are planning a trip there about seven l-o-n-g years from now but if we could meet on a jet today, I'd take her now! The thought of walking through stone paved streets, holding her hand...it just feels perfect. Plus - the shoes! All those amazing shoes to choose from! But back to holding hands - I imagine everything to be filled with romance and beauty and she is so those things to me.

4. How do you deal with anger and frustration created by others in your life? The system has failed you, your ex failed you and this country has failed you. How do you manage to bottle that emotion into a proactive mentality?

I get asked this question a lot. It's half funny because I don't feel I have the choice to not "deal". Whether or not I'm present, life moves along. There are days when I feel like no one has it worse than me; no one has been treated so poorly but that's not true. History has painful pages of hurt equal & worse to mine.

I could rebel against the system or rebel against relationships but Gracie and I lose just the same. & I suppose that fighting, rather than lying down, is my rebellion. Being pro-active keeps me busy and knowing I'm doing something that helps other little Gracie's, brings me peace.

In many ways, I failed Gracie's other mother too so choosing to create a life with Cristy is proving to myself that love can be real and right and lasting so, again, I rebel against walking away from finding it.

I also have great faith in God & my family has supported me intensely. I have been completely surrounded and protected since the beginning of the court case. When we were having trial after trial and I was testifying against a thousand lies, I felt very held and that strength hasn't left me yet. I suppose it will linger until I can hold my own but that's not today and I don't feel rushed.

5. If you were able to make sure Gracie knew five things, what would they be?

Holy cow, Erin. You are creating something for the journal for Sure!

I would want her to know, first, that I never left her. That I loved her before she was born and never, ever stopped. That she was created from real love, not mistakes. That I tried my very hardest to keep her. And that I will be coming for her the very minute I can.

Back to Belly Shots!

I have to admit I've been an emotional wreck. I think I spent two hours whining the other night. It was bad enough that C asked what happened to the "real" me. I feel huge. My body is not my own. If I were pregnant, I would totally accept every minute of it but as it is, I feel like someones teasing and taunting me. Still four weeks. My ultrasound is on the 22nd. I can finally stop taking birth control on Saturday but by then, I'll surely be crying in every lap I find. The Lupron makes me nauseous but I can deal with that.

I have to tell you all, again, how wonderful my partner is. She may read this and be bothered but seriously, I couldn't do this without her. She sets an alarm that sounds like butterflies every morning and she gets my pill and my surringe and stands with me while I count to three...then count to three...and do it over and over until I get the nerve to push it in. She's patient and soft and supportive and encouraging. I love her madly.

Just keep your fingers crossed for me, for her - for all of us floating this uncertain ocean.

Last night we went to a seminar on how to protect families like mine. I was sort of removed from it, knowing that my story is what brought up all the fear. It's hard to sit there and hope for people to do all they can - knowing that it still may not be enough. There were two other woman (that I know of) in the audience who are going through similar struggles. I sat there praying for them and just begging that their stories have a better ending - that their daughters come home/stay home. For some crazy reason, I have hope.

A woman came up to me and said she'd been praying for me and Gray and asked how I was doing. I typically say something like, "I'm fine. Thank you for asking." But I knew she was really asking and I couldn't lie. I felt tears come to my eyes and just said, "I miss her." And I do. There was a tiny girl there that I coudln't keep my eyes off of. She wore brown mary-janes with pink socks. Is there anything more sweet? It made me miss things like smelly feet and buckles and poorly painted toe nails.

What I wouldn't give to just lay her head against my chest again and have her tell me what my heart beat says... "gra-cie, gra-cie, gra-cie" - she knows every beat.

Calling All Locals!

Tonight - and one night only - you are invited to listen to two of our greatest local minds on lgbt politics and protections.

If you're are a parent or are thinking of becoming a parent, we need you!

Please join us at the Unitarian Church from 6:30-7:30. 569 South 1300 East Salt Lake City

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And if I've never met you in person - just here in the blog world - please introduce yourself! I'll be the hormonal maniac with tissues in my hand ... wishing it were a nice glass of wine.


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Oh my goodness! (in my BEST orphan voice) I just sent out a reminder for this meeting about 40 times to each person! I am mortified! Please, oh please except my apology. I hate people like me but I swear, it was not aimed to pressure you. Or was it?